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[修真仙侠] 【林仙子】（17-71）仙侠人妻绿文

sanhaoshiming

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1楼 大 中 小 发表于 2022-10-25 17:19  显示全部帖子
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经过前面这么长铺垫，这里的转折点反而显得有点太突兀了，而且女主的性情转变也太快，应该循序渐进一些，第一次接受徒弟应该略带意外，然后后续几次再慢慢自然再到放纵
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  • 逍遥夢 金币 +3 认真回复，奖励！ 2022-10-25 17:52

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